Falling Leaves and Flying Butterflies Part 1

Rashmin Sagoo, director of the International Law programme at Chatham House, a century-deep British think tank based in London that “helps countries and societies to build a sustainably secure, prosperous and just world,” is this Sunday Guardian’s featured author on Bookshelf with the upcoming publication of her book “Falling Leaves and Flying Butterflies–A Guide for Women with Cancer Diagnosis.

Sagoo’s credentials are hefty. She has worked as a UK Government lawyer and diplomat, advising on human rights, international humanitarian law, EU law/ Brexit, UN Security Council resolutions, and international judicial architecture. She has provided expert proposals to strengthen EU equality and non discrimination laws in the European Commission. Sagoo has led high-profile cases before domestic and international courts, including the Court of Justice of the European Union and the US Supreme Court, and as an agent to the European Court of Human Rights.

“If I could just sit with you/Hold your hand/ And turn our faces to the sun/I would. But here is the next best thing: A collection of poetry, prompts, and wisdom that others shared with me/Which I now pass to you."

In 2017, Sagoo, just 36, with a two-year-old toddler, faced a crushing diagnosis for which no human could be prepared. She was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive sarcoma. She faced frightening uncertainty, shock, fear and the stigma of cancer within her Sikh community in London. What saved Sagoo was understanding she was “not alone” and that she could make others feel the same way by writing. She is not alone.

Breast cancer is the most common cancer in women worldwide, contributing 25.8 per cent of the total number of new cases diagnosed in 2020. The top three–breast, colorectal and lung cancers– contributed 44.5 per cent of all cancers (excluding non-melanoma skin cancer)— Source: World Cancer Research International.

As Sagoo prepares to publish Falling Leaves and Flying Butterflies: A Guide for Women with Cancer Diagnosis, she clarifies that this exquisite and compelling account of her cancer diagnosis is not a “self-help guide” nor a medical text” but a “light repository of wisdom and insights, a gentle nurturing companion guide for women who have recently received a cancer diagnosis and a gentle friend quietly holding your hand.”

Written empathetically by a “rare cancer thriver for those going through a similar journey,” Sagoo hopes “the prompts within these pages may offer solace, light and hope at a time when things look at their darkest.”

Rashmin Sagoo starts her book with a note to the reader in poem prose. “If I could just sit with you/ Hold your hand/And turn our faces to the sun/I would. But here is the next best thing: A collection of poetry, prompts, and wisdom that others shared with me/Which I now pass to you. In the hope that even if things sometimes feel alone, hopeless, and even broken beyond repair, you find light within And know you are love/ And loved.”

An excerpt from the book “Falling Leaves and Flying Butterflies”–A Guide for Women with Cancer Diagnosis with permission from the author Rashmin Sagoo exclusively for the Sunday Guardian. All rights reserved. 

“At the top of a small hill is the quiet station of South Merton in a leafy London suburb. From the entrance, you can see the train tracks stretch before you and disappear into the horizon until they meet the sky. Birds dance between overgrown shrubs, welcoming each day with joy. Single-pointed focus on survival; they eat, sleep, chirp and repeat. They reminded me every day to look up to the sun and allow the white noise of the busy London Road to wash over me.

This is the place where I would start each day as I journeyed to the Royal Marsden Hospital, a beacon of expertise and hope for my cancer treatment. Every day, I would go there and back–for routine appointments, checkups and almost two months of radiotherapy. I did this until I was too weary, and kindly family, neighbours, and occasionally taxi drivers would chauffeur me, comforting me amid waves of nausea from the treatment. I still love that station. Standing at the top of that hill makes my heart soar. It’s a reminder that each day is a fresh start, to try again and put yesterday to rest.

The train leaves, whether we get on or not. Simply deciding to step onto the train, even for the bumpiest of rides, could feel like the biggest leap.

“Taking life one day at a time, sometimes just one step at a time, reminded me to slow down and that whatever I was feeling at that moment was perfectly okay. It might be dread of what the latest CT scan or ultrasound would reveal.

Or happiness that the nausea had passed and that I could stand up straight that day. It might be anger that I was being asked by loved ones to keep my illness secret. Frustration that I couldn’t be as self-sufficient, or annoyance at myself for snapping at my family that morning. Later, wondering if the post-surgery wounds would ever heal. Bereavement for the loss of parts of me, then appreciation that my femininity and womanhood are so much more. And deep gratitude for being alive. All those thoughts and feelings tumbled around in me, often within milliseconds of each other, just waiting for the train. It was exhausting.

I once confided in my neighbour, Julia–a wonderfully strong, thoughtful, and compassionate woman a few decades my senior and a former prison psychologist–that I was sad about lashing out at my family without meaning to. She explained how she would tell her children that feelings and emotions are “just weather”. You try to notice and let them pass, knowing that the next moment could be sunnier or stormier. A grey cloud might block the sunlight for what might seem like an eternity. But it would pass. It might be raining now, but a rainbow could emerge. So I (very slowly) learned that, like the weather, I had no choice but to accept these emotions, sit with them, and let them pass.”

End of excerpt.

Rashmin Sagoo has advised the British Red Cross, International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement on international humanitarian law, international human rights law, international disaster laws, data, and counterterrorism. In Part 2 of this series, Sagoo will share an excerpt providing practical information to women on getting a cancer diagnosis.