Deconstructing John Oliver

He said: “Good evening, Trinidad and Tobago. “Sorry for interrupting your regular programming which is, as I understand it, Mike and Molly starring Melissa McCarthy and a man.”

He meant: “Good evening T&T. You are a population of semi illiterates who watch the dregs of American programming. It’s so bad I can’t even be bothered to name the other person starring in this show. I’ll speak to you like simpletons because your taste in television tells me all I need to know about your craven love for American trash.”

He said: “My name is John Oliver and I would like to talk to you for a few minutes about Fifa and more specifically Jack Warner. Last week, he spoke to you on this very channel, TV6, and promised/threatened to reveal large amounts of incriminating Fifa documents, and since his preferred mode of communications is evidently purchased time on Trinidad's TV6, I have bought this time in the hope that he is watching TV6.”

He meant: I condescend to you, T&T, for several reasons. Firstly, you demonstrated you are a Banana Republic. This is apparent not just because you watch inane television but because you actually sold airtime to a man who, along with other Fifa fraudsters, stood accused by the FBI of bribes totalling more than $150m (£97.4m). You gave airtime to a man who, when he was Fifa vice president, allegedly pocketed relief funds for the victims of the devastating earthquake in Haiti totaling US$750,000. The BBC says they have seen the US Justice Department papers with damning evidence.

He said: “Last week, he spoke to you on this very channel, TV6, and promised/threatened to reveal large amounts of incriminating Fifa documents, and since his preferred mode of communications is evidently purchased time on Trinidad's TV6, I have bought this time in the hope that he is watching TV6.”

He meant: Your country is for sale. He said: “Furthermore, I have actually Googled some Trinidadian slangs to help me get my message across so um, um. ‘Family watch me for a minute nah!’ ‘What’s the scene?’ ‘I know you getting tabanca right now.’ “I’d just pause for a second to allow the people of Trinidad to laugh at the whitest person who ever lived attempting to speak Trini and instead sounding real dotish ent, but aye, aye... Let’s put that aside, Trinidad.”

He meant: I mock you because you are a people of straw, with no moral compass. While fellow fraudsters were cowering behind sheets while they were led away for questioning from a luxury Zurich hotel, Jack Warner, in your country, boldly paid a television station for time to attempt to intimidate Fifa. He used this method because it worked before.

Money, threats and grandiose promises based on money bought him popularity in T&T. It bought him a political party and a seat in Parliament. Money made him the Minister of National Security. And money would get him out of this.

He said: “The point is Mr Warner, do not blue-ball the entire planet by promising spectacular Fifa revelations and not delivering. I am begging you. Release everything because here is my argument. Why the hell not? It’s not like you not already potentially in a lot of trouble.

Seriously, I have been looking through the indictment and good luck with that. Cause apparently your sons are already co-operating with the US authorities, so if you don’t it would be quite awkward.”

He meant: As your people won’t call your bluff, I will. Grow up. The world is bigger than T&T. There is an entire planet out there and we are laughing our heads off at you for firstly buying this man’s BS and secondly, we have lost respect for you for not standing up for what is right.

He said: “Why should you do it? Well, put it this way, and right now Jack, everybody hates you now, I mean literally, everybody. I think it's something to do with you seeming like an absolutely terrible human being. But if you turn on Fifa, do not underestimate how much people might be willing to forgive, and if one day you end up in jail and you're staring up at the ceiling, wouldn't you be happy to know you took some people down with you? It's like they say. Snitches gets smooches. So please release the documents, Mr Warner, and you may yet salvage your complete tattered reputation. I'm sure Fifa’s goons might come for you, but like they say, ‘doh hurt yuh head,’ which I believe means don’t worry about it. For once, Mr Warner, don't think about yourself, think about everyone else.”

He meant: I’m being nasty by saying everybody hates Jack, but I have to get you enervated people to wake up, call his bluff, and stop being bought by money.

He said: “Thank you for your time, Trinidad. I'll now return you to your regular programming, Mike and Molly. I believe this week’s episode is called ‘Melissa McCarthy still can’t get out of her CBS contract.’ So I simply say this, goodbye Trinidad, and of course Tobago.”

He meant: Okay I’ve done my bit. You can go back to your simple lives in your banana republic already colonised by crappy American culture.